The Possibilities of Awards Shows
Whenever I can, I avoid watching awards shows and things like that
(where people give out awards) because theres usually very
little action in them, as opposed to movies where things explode.
If I had a choice between watching a movie where things explode,
or watching a five hour show where you have to wait until the end
to see who wins an award for that movie where things explode, I
would tend to choose the former.
One of the things I find very odd about these awards ceremonies
is when people make such a fuss over the need to fulfill minority
quota requirements in order to make things a bit more fairer.
Ive heard that they have certain awards ceremonies for black
people, certain awards ceremonies for Hispanic people, and they
even have specific awards ceremonies for country musicians. If the
notion of equality is to segregate blacks, Hispanics, and country
musicians from everyone else so we can all recognize how different
and incompatible we are, then I suppose this is a fairly good way
to do it. I myself find something disturbing in such racial separation,
though I agree that country musicians should be distanced from the
rest us so we can all recognize and discriminate against them with
But, in my examination of the awards ceremonies out there, I find
a disturbing gap in which many specific ethnic groups are overlooked,
perhaps to the point of racial discrimination. For instance, shouldnt
we also establish such events as the Anglo Awards (or, the Whities),
a tribute to superior Aryans in the community and their valuable
contributions to the suppression of other minorities? Or the Jewies,
recognizing the Jewish contribution to Hollywood. Or perhaps, more
appropriately, the Shiksa Awards Recognizing the Contribution of
Goys in the Media. Or the L. Ron Hubbard Awards (the Hubbies) recognizing
all the people in Hollywood that L. Ron Hubbard was able to convert
Also, Ive heard certain popular minority actors complaining
about losing particular roles to white actors, and noting that they
werent even considered for the roles, despite their enormous
popularity. In a sense, I can empathize with their displeasure.
What black or Hispanic or Asian or midget or other actor wouldnt
be fuming at being passed over for the chance to play such high
profile parts as those of John F. Kennedy and Adolf Hitler?
I myself would like to see the Incredible Hulk cast as an elderly
If I had my say in things, there would have been an all Asian cast
for the miniseries Roots and the movie Malcolm X.
All of the Nazis in Schindlers List would have been
Japanese cowboys speaking with southern accents. One day (and I
am committed to seeing this to fruition) there will be a Hispanic
Hitler. Nothing would be more brilliantly enjoyable and entertaining
than a midget Hispanic Hitler with a Russian accent. And his catch
phrase would have to be if ever or watcha talkin
What would really be great is to have a paralyzed Superman who
loses all mobility from the waist down. As such, he simply goes
about fighting crime and flying about in a wheelchair or, since
he can still fly, perhaps he just hovers around instead of walking,
just hanging in the air with his legs dangling down below him or
dragging against the ground. Or what would be even cooler is if
he was completely paralyzed and used a computer to talk for him.
And hed type things into a keyboard with his tongue. And he
wouldnt be able to fight crime at all, but people couldnt
do anything to him either because hed still be utterly invincible.
So the entire time, criminals would just be very annoyed and disturbed
at the presence of a drooling Superman in the bank vault, though
he couldnt really do anything to stop them from committing
robbery. Unless they fired a bullet at him and then it bounced back
and killed them.
Even Supermans poop would be invincible and indestructible.
Supermans urine would probably be malleable, but what would
happen if they froze it to use as bullets? It is, after all, Superurine
(or Überurine). It was malleable in its unfrozen state, but
could it be chipped in its frozen state, or just melted? And what
does Superman do with all of his Superpoop and Superpee? That definitely
has to be clogging drains and messing up Metropolis plumbing like
crazy. Unless he just saves up all of his Superfeces in jars and
hurls it toward the sun, or out into space, at the end of every
month or something.
And then they can have a special awards ceremony for crippled superheroes
or minority superheroes. My guess is that the Incredible Hulk would
clean house on the award for best superhero at the Green Person
Awards (GPA), or the Greenies, or the Awards for the Recognition
of Green People in the Superhero Profession. He would even win the
award for best screenplay and best choreography and best costume
Best Screenplay: Huk be Inkredble
Im certain that the Incredible Hulk would make a wonderfully
Hispanic Hitler midget: Soy Hulk. Yo quiero smash el horno
y Poland! Or perhaps a midget French Hulk would add more depth
to the artistic vision: I am zee Hulk. Prepare to be zmashed,
The only thing that could possibly hurt the chances of the Incredible
Hulk making a clean sweep of the GPA (Green Person Awards) is if
he was indeed cast as an elderly Asian man, disqualifying him from
everything. And then the community of green people in Hollywood
would protest the fact that the Incredible Hulk was cast as an elderly
Asian man, as opposed to a green person. And then a group of elderly
Asian women would protest the fact that the Incredible Hulk was
cast as an elderly Asian man as opposed to an elderly Asian woman.
And then a group of elderly Asian women in wheelchairs would be
protesting the fact that they couldnt walk.
And then God would be protesting the fact that were all such
idiots because the Incredible Hulk is obviously green.
Except for that time he was gray for some reason.