Universal Oddities
March 28, 2002

The Possibilities of Awards Shows

Whenever I can, I avoid watching awards shows and things like that (where people give out awards) because there’s usually very little action in them, as opposed to movies where things explode. If I had a choice between watching a movie where things explode, or watching a five hour show where you have to wait until the end to see who wins an award for that movie where things explode, I would tend to choose the former.

One of the things I find very odd about these awards ceremonies is when people make such a fuss over the need to fulfill minority quota requirements in order to make things a bit more fairer.

I’ve heard that they have certain awards ceremonies for black people, certain awards ceremonies for Hispanic people, and they even have specific awards ceremonies for country musicians. If the notion of equality is to segregate blacks, Hispanics, and country musicians from everyone else so we can all recognize how different and incompatible we are, then I suppose this is a fairly good way to do it. I myself find something disturbing in such racial separation, though I agree that country musicians should be distanced from the rest us so we can all recognize and discriminate against them with greater accuracy.

But, in my examination of the awards ceremonies out there, I find a disturbing gap in which many specific ethnic groups are overlooked, perhaps to the point of racial discrimination. For instance, shouldn’t we also establish such events as the Anglo Awards (or, the Whities), a tribute to superior Aryans in the community and their valuable contributions to the suppression of other minorities? Or the Jewies, recognizing the Jewish contribution to Hollywood. Or perhaps, more appropriately, the Shiksa Awards Recognizing the Contribution of Goys in the Media. Or the L. Ron Hubbard Awards (the Hubbies) recognizing all the people in Hollywood that L. Ron Hubbard was able to convert to Scientology.

Also, I’ve heard certain popular minority actors complaining about losing particular roles to white actors, and noting that they weren’t even considered for the roles, despite their enormous popularity. In a sense, I can empathize with their displeasure. What black or Hispanic or Asian or midget or other actor wouldn’t be fuming at being passed over for the chance to play such high profile parts as those of John F. Kennedy and Adolf Hitler?

I myself would like to see the Incredible Hulk cast as an elderly Asian man.

If I had my say in things, there would have been an all Asian cast for the miniseries Roots and the movie Malcolm X. All of the Nazis in Schindler’s List would have been Japanese cowboys speaking with southern accents. One day (and I am committed to seeing this to fruition) there will be a Hispanic Hitler. Nothing would be more brilliantly enjoyable and entertaining than a midget Hispanic Hitler with a Russian accent. And his catch phrase would have to be “if ever” or “watcha talkin’ bout Himmler?”.

What would really be great is to have a paralyzed Superman who loses all mobility from the waist down. As such, he simply goes about fighting crime and flying about in a wheelchair or, since he can still fly, perhaps he just hovers around instead of walking, just hanging in the air with his legs dangling down below him or dragging against the ground. Or what would be even cooler is if he was completely paralyzed and used a computer to talk for him. And he’d type things into a keyboard with his tongue. And he wouldn’t be able to fight crime at all, but people couldn’t do anything to him either because he’d still be utterly invincible. So the entire time, criminals would just be very annoyed and disturbed at the presence of a drooling Superman in the bank vault, though he couldn’t really do anything to stop them from committing robbery. Unless they fired a bullet at him and then it bounced back and killed them.

Even Superman’s poop would be invincible and indestructible. Superman’s urine would probably be malleable, but what would happen if they froze it to use as bullets? It is, after all, Superurine (or Überurine). It was malleable in its unfrozen state, but could it be chipped in its frozen state, or just melted? And what does Superman do with all of his Superpoop and Superpee? That definitely has to be clogging drains and messing up Metropolis plumbing like crazy. Unless he just saves up all of his Superfeces in jars and hurls it toward the sun, or out into space, at the end of every month or something.

And then they can have a special awards ceremony for crippled superheroes or minority superheroes. My guess is that the Incredible Hulk would clean house on the award for best superhero at the Green Person Awards (GPA), or the Greenies, or the Awards for the Recognition of Green People in the Superhero Profession. He would even win the award for best screenplay and best choreography and best costume design.

Best Screenplay: Huk be Inkredble

I’m certain that the Incredible Hulk would make a wonderfully Hispanic Hitler midget: “Soy Hulk. Yo quiero smash el horno y Poland!” Or perhaps a midget French Hulk would add more depth to the artistic vision: “I am zee Hulk. Prepare to be zmashed, ho ho.”

The only thing that could possibly hurt the chances of the Incredible Hulk making a clean sweep of the GPA (Green Person Awards) is if he was indeed cast as an elderly Asian man, disqualifying him from everything. And then the community of green people in Hollywood would protest the fact that the Incredible Hulk was cast as an elderly Asian man, as opposed to a green person. And then a group of elderly Asian women would protest the fact that the Incredible Hulk was cast as an elderly Asian man as opposed to an elderly Asian woman. And then a group of elderly Asian women in wheelchairs would be protesting the fact that they couldn’t walk.

And then God would be protesting the fact that we’re all such idiots because the Incredible Hulk is obviously green.

Except for that time he was gray for some reason.




Copyright © 2000-2002 Jacques. All rights reserved.