August 22, 2002
Iraqi Embassy Blues - Part One
This Tuesday started off like any other. I was hurriedly and enthusiastically
engaged in the process of manufacturing tear gas as a plane swiftly
carried me and a group of masked comrades toward Berlin, Germany.
They told me it was for a wacky New Years party. Had I known we
would be storming the Iraqi embassy, I would have probably thought
twice about the matter. Suffice it to say I did not.
After a bit of driving, we exited the car and carefully distributed
the canisters of tear gas amongst ourselves.
Throw this, I was told by my one of my masked acquaintances.
What for? I inquired.
To help promote the establishment of a free and democratic
Iraq, explained the gent.
Well, if its that simple I dont see how I can
possible refuse. Happy New Year! I gleefully exclaimed as
I hurled the canister and it landed in the special New Years
window of a building designed for people to throw fireworks and
explosive canisters into, or so I was told.
Now we enter the building! one of the fellows yelled.
They were all wearing masks so I couldnt really tell them
apart. With that, we ran into the mysterious New Years
building (what I later came to identify as the Iraqi embassy in
There was a dancing bear in the lobby.
Theres a dancing bear in the lobby, I explained.
Its an Iraqi receptionist quasi-supervisor, came
the ever-distant response, receding around the corner as my comrades
rushed farther and farther into the complex. The Iraqis always
use bears for their dirty work. I turned the corner to follow
him, but it was already too late. My comrades had disappeared into
the bowels of the New Years building.
I returned to the lobby and asked the dancing bear for directions.
He paused and then gave me the finger (the middle one). And then
he resumed dancing.
A little man popped out of a concealed room. The bear, continuing
to bounce to an internal rhythm, lifted a fluffy red cordon for
him and the man hunched under it.
Why arent you celebrating? I asked.
Celebrating what? he inquired.
Its not New Years! This will start an international
incident! President Hussein will not be pleased. You cannot unseat
a democratically elected dictator.
What about Hitler?
You cant unseat two democratically elected leaders.
Hes not democratically elected.
The people voted.
But they didnt vote for him.
All of the votes that werent disqualified were for
him. Why do you give him such troubles? Hes obviously a good
president. In fact, hes so popular that hes reigned
for 2 decades already. How can you argue with that and dispute hard
I suppose I cant. I guess people must really like him
to keep him in office for almost a quarter of century. I wish we
had presidents who were that charismatic and lovable.
The sound of confusion and clattering echoed down the hallways.
Why have you invaded the Iraqi embassy? the man squealed.
Beg your pardon?
With that, the man dashed across the lobby and hurled himself through
a window onto the street.
I hurried along the maze of corridors, searching for my comrades.
The building appeared far larger from the inside than it did from
without. Finally, in an area near the opposite end of the building,
I located a group of my comrades shouting something out the window.
Hey guys, I called out. I think we might have
a problem here.
Hold on, one of them told me. Im faxing
something to the press now.
Yes. Good. About that---
Guard the window.
Right. I moved over to a window and looked out. Dozens
of German police officers had surrounded the building. Hey
guys, I think we might have a slight problem here. It seems, from
what Im gathering, theres strong evidence to support
the fact that weve accidentally taken over the Iraqi embassy
My comrades paused for a moment before bursting out in good natured
To be continued...