February 27, 2002
Irrefutable Proof in the Existence
One day, I was examining the television, as I am wont to do, when
something extraordinary appeared on it. Male supermodel Fabio was
pictured at an amusement park, riding a roller coaster for some
reason. Later, I realized, he was willed by God to do so. In any
case, the aforementioned Fabio was riding the aforementioned roller
coaster when all of a sudden a bird (probably a dove, knowing God)
flew right into his face. There was blood everywhere and my initial
reaction was obviously: His face! His beautiful face! Later,
I learned that Fabio was (thankfully) unharmed, his gorgeous features
unchanged. Yet I had been changed forever.
Immediately, I fell to my knees and proclaimed to the heavens:
Oh my God, that was hilarious.
Prior to this epiphany, my evidence for the existence of the Almighty
was shaky at best. My previous evidence and arguments consisted
primarily of holy texts, sour cream and onion potato chips, and
the magnanimous Tina Fey.
One of the factors contributing to my belief in the existence of
God stemmed previously from what was a variation on the design argument.
The existence of sour cream and onion chips is simply too phenomenal
and fantastic a phenomenon to not accept in the necessity for a
God. The complexity of the human mind, allowing for such a notion
as the placement of sour cream and onion on a potato chip, cannot
be denied. The extreme complexity of a mind that is capable of formulating
that notion can only have been inspired by a divine being.
In order to better understand this argument, perhaps it is best
to introduce this into philosopher William Paleys rendition
of the design argument. The revised argument goes as follows: If
one was walking along the beach and they stumbled upon a bag of
sour cream and onion potato chips, is it more likely to assume that
that bag simply came into existence by happenstance as the waves
beat against the sand, gradually forming it into a bag of sour cream
and onion potato chips, or is it more likely to assume that the
bag of sour cream and onion potato chips was intentionally created
by someone? Well, the hypothesis of a bag of sour cream and onion
potato chips simply falling into existence by way of waves slapping
against the shore is nothing short of preposterous. That would,
simply put, be a ridiculous assertion. Obviously, God put the bag
of sour cream and onion potato chips there. Thus, there exists a
For the longest time I was convinced that the existence of Saturday
Night Lives Tina Fey must be ample enough proof in the
existence of a God. That is, until I realized the possibility that
Tina Fey merely willed herself into existence.
And so, setting aside my previous evidence in the existence of
God, God made himself known throughout the world in a miracle. I
would not have laughed so hard at the parting of the Red Sea or
even the slaying of all the Egyptian firstborn. I wouldnt
have even laughed as hard at the murrain. And come on, lets
face it, murrain is comedy gold.
I have no problem with Fabio himself. I dont know him personally,
but I wouldnt be surprised if he was a nice fellow and an
Nevertheless, it seems evident enough to me that the bird was sent
on a humorous suicide mission in the name of Allah. I hope hes
in heaven with his virgins now, having his massive bird orgies,
because that was really funny.
Im glad that Fabio wasnt harmed or permanently damaged
in any manner. Firstly, because I dont really like it when
bad things happen to people. And secondly, because it leaves the
door open for something like this to possibly happen again.
What will God think up next?