March 21, 2002
For many viewers of the Star Wars movie series, the legend
of Greedo has long remained a moving testament to the courage of
subplot. The heroic rise of this simple Rodian, and his swiftly
tragic downfall are central to the genre of the futuristic
tragedy that happened a long time ago.
Yet many have wonder at a particular revision in the Special
Edition version of Star Wars. Namely, a revision in Greedos
scene with Han Solo which prompts Greedo (and not Han Solo) to fire
his gun first, at point blank range, and yet miss. An erroneous
blast fired off by Greedo before his inevitable murder at the hands
of the heathen Han Solo.
Why was this scene altered? And how could Greedo possibly miss?
Many have mistakenly ascribed this action as an attempt to make
Han Solo appear less ruthless by having him first fired upon before
he defends himself. While I must admit that I find this proposal
fascinating, it is nevertheless an ignorant assertion.
I would have liked to know you but I
was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before your legend
As the following excerpt from the life of Greedo will demonstrate,
the truth is far more painful.
The Passions of Greedo
The sands had carried themselves in through the dusty window portals
of his home. The aroma of bantha poo-doo was heavy in the air. Yet
the room was pregnant with tension; a pregnant tension that threatened
the birth of an outburst at any moment. A tension Greeda hoped to
abort before it was too late.
Come Greedo, Greeda soothed. Let us attend the
pod races together, as it was meant to be. As husband and concubine.
Fie! Away with thee woman before thou seest the backside
of my hand!
Greeda moved beside him and laid an understanding arm upon his
shoulder. I know what you intend Greedo. But please, let us
end it here.
Never! The momentary fury betrayed by Greedo startled
even Greeda for a moment as she pulled back into the foyer. Han
Solo, Greedo continued, composing himself and softening his
eyes. My beloved concubine, Han Solo must not leave Tatooine.
He must not for I have sworn it, and that bond cannot be broken
by any mortal being.
Greeda paused before responding in a whisper, I know what
he has done to you, my love. You believe yourself successful in
hiding your dark past, but I know. Do not think I am ignorant of
Then you know, Greedo nodded. That Han Solo
raped and murdered my sister. And then he disgraced her by not marrying
Greedo, you must not dwell upon that. She was horribly mutilated...
It is the honor of the Rodian! Greedo shouted. When
a man makes a mistake, he amends it himself! He and no one else!
But you cannot win against him! I love you Greedo, but you
I shall find him and I shall allow him to taste the musky
tang of a Rodian weapon. This day, Han Solo shall look into my eyes.
And he will know that today is his last day on Tatooine.
Greeda began to tremble until she could hold herself back no longer.
But Greedo! Your glaucoma! Greedos eyes
widened and his ears perked. Yes! Did you think I could not
know? I, your beloved.
I shall fire my weapon first! I shall get close enough to
fire my weapon first! Glaucoma shall not hinder me. I shall steady
my hand and God will steady and resolve my spirit.
And if not?
If not? Then they shall set aside a table for me in Valhalla
this very day! Be gone woman!
But Greedo, my love, Han Solo was able to make the Kessel
run in under 12 parsecs. If he can boast the Kessel run in under
12 parsecs, perhaps he is fast enough to draw his weapon in under
No one is quick enough to unholster their weapon 5 inches
in just 3 inches! Not even the renowned Han Solo can boast those
reflexes! Let him fold space-time to his content, he shall not
Papa, let me lead you! Greedo twirled to see Antigone
in the doorway. Had she heard everything?
Away with you Antigone. I need no one to lead me as an invalid.
Wearily, Greedo stood and moved toward the doorway. A twitch to
the side unconsciously brought his eyes to Greedas. Her mottled
complexion invoked a pain of longing from somewhere deep within.
Perhaps I will never share with her the secrets of the Rodian
Choo-natra again. A bond between male and female. The connection
only a man may share with his uninhibited concubine.
Greedo turned to the door, but met with something that startled
him backwards for a moment. He met with his own eyes, gazing deeply
within him from the doorway mirror. Wearied eyes. Eyes clouded over
with pain and a lifetimes overindulgence in astro-mead. Eyes
that had seen too much bounty hunting.
Shaking his head and throwing the door open, Greedo proceeded
forward with newly inflamed rage. Those eyes he had seen... These
are the eyes forged by Han Solo!
Greedos world swirled about him. He saw nothing. He heard
nothing. And then he stood, head rising upward, to gaze above the
barren ground. Greedo stumbled as his vision faltered for a moment.
The image was cloudy, yet certain. The Mos Eisley cantina.
Wretched hive of scum and villainy, Greedo murmered
to himself. And then he paused. In an emotional burst of fervor,
Greedos hand found its way to his side, unholstering his blaster,
raising his weapon into the air. Dagon, bestow upon me the
strength to fire my weapon first! Lay upon me your favor so that
I may presently be off with myself to join the heroic rebel alliance
and prove myself in jihad!
Greedos blaster hovered, raised toward Tatooines sultry
stars. An eternity unfolded before him. Greedo turned to the door
of the cantina, reviewing the words. The words his mind had
practiced for years. The words he would utter to Han Solo before
the final endgame was met.
A quiet protocol droid awaiting its master stood Greedos
lone witness. Alack, poor Greedo prays to his heathen God Dagon;
a God who will not listen. The God of Yoda and the God of Shmi and
the God of Anakin, and the God of his son Luke and Lukes sister
Leia, and the God of Samuel L. Jackson is a jealous God. And I fear
that Greedo shall not fare well today.