November 7, 2002
Article That Wasnt
And now, the question that has been on everyones mind.
Why didnt I write a Halloween article on Halloween? It might
seem that Halloween would be the most opportune moment for my Halloween
article, but instead I chose to ramble off some idiocy on violence
And so why didnt I write a Halloween article on Halloween?
Because thats precisely what the communists would
have wanted. Promoting a holiday in which everyone goes around collecting
their share of candy from the community. The next thing you know
theyll be entering into peoples houses and beating false
confessions out of them for more candy, and I want no part of that.
Candy has, historically, been the focal point for numerous acts
of violence, political struggles, and forms of oppression. As far
back as biblical times, candy has been utilized extensively in determining
the outcome of vicious power struggles.
For instance, Abrahams argument with God over Sodom and Gomorra
most certainly involved candy. Its clearly stated in the bible
that Sodom was the candy capital of the biblical world;
most people just dont realize this as a result of inaccurate
translation. Why else would Abraham have dared challenge God? He
didnt give a damn about his fathers idol business or
his own childrens lives. Sodom and Gomorra were delicious
places in which to live. But the candy of Sodom and Gomorra was
molesting its citizens with sugary aplomb and arrogance, and God
would have no part in that.
The struggle between Agamemnon and Achilles was over one particularly
delightful piece of butterscotch candy. A most devious piece of
butterscotch candy that eventually led to Patrokoloss demise
and Achilless downfall. For dramatic purposes, Homer replaced
the butterscotch candy with a woman in his 20th Anniversary
Special Edition of the Iliad; a move he later regretted..
Candy delighted and tantalized Nero. It was candy that enticed
him to set fire to Rome while he fiddled and ate smores. The candy
explained that it was the right thing to do; that his insurance
would reimburse him.
That was, simply put, an outright lie. The insurance would NOT
reimburse Nero. The candy lied to Nero. It was probably Snickers
or Milky Way, or something from the Mars
Corporation. Candy from the Mars
Coporation lies incurably.
Only M&Ms have a particularly peculiar tendency toward indirectly
inciting murderous situations. They enjoy violence, yet cannot bear
to dirty their own hands with it. For them, the delight manifests
itself in the manner of manipulation they practice. Much like the
witches of Shakespeares Macbeth, the haggish M&Ms
find themselves as detached participants, observing and commenting
upon the situations in rhyming stanzas. Such as Hitlers march
into Poland. Or the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Or the fall of Saigon.
As far as Twix goes, theyre a pair of perverts I do not feel
the need to comment upon any further.
Now, with ample proof of Halloweens vile nature, how could
I consider the perpetuation of such a diabolical holiday? A holiday
during which evil is handed out door to door.
Except for that one house that handed out toothbrushes, the one
house that handed out apples with razor blades in them, and that
one house that had a giant bowl of pennies out front with a sign
that said take one.
But one day they too must pass into oblivion, leaving a noble void,
these gentle warriors, temporarily preserving the innocence of childhood.