August 1, 2002
The Henchmen Cooperative Project
Matching industrious henchmen with incompetent employers since
No other profession has proven itself so vital throughout history,
and yet, simultaneously, so overlooked and unappreciated, as that
of henchman. Those dedicated masses working long, hard, time-consuming
hours, almost certainly without worker or union benefits, building
secret gigantic fortresses in volcanoes, secret gigantic fortresses
underground, secret gigantic fortresses on the moon, and secret
gigantic fortresses underwater (somehow).
Their work continuously frustrated by the likes of Sean Connery,
Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and, to a lesser extent, our man Flint.
Not to mention the whole debacle of having to deal in an unregulated
market swamped with embezzlement, fraud, stock inflation, and other
such inevitable inconveniences necessarily arising out of such a
venture employing a staff comprised entirely of criminals and murderous
But where can these henchmen go after the financial and managerial
incompetence of their erstwhile employers results in a collapsing
The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP) is an equal opportunity
employer dedicated to placing skilled, dedicated, nonblack employees
in the field of criminal enterprise and entrepreneurship. The Henchmen
Cooperative Project (HCP) has been placing the power into the hands
of henchmen since 2004.
The following are required for admittance into The Henchmen
Cooperative Project (HCP).
If youre a woman, you must indicate your willingness to wear
the mandatory bikini uniform. Nevertheless, if youre an ugly
women, a pantsuit and standard decorative poison whip may be appropriate.
Applicants for henchmaning must also list their skills and special
If your special ability is an amusing physical deformity (including
but not limited to freakish strength), it falls into category 1.
If your special ability is an article of clothing, it falls into
If any part of your body is metal or shoots flame, please make
a special note of this.
Please indicate your preference of occupational vice: gold, diamonds,
rubies, platinum, counterfeiting plates, microchips, thunderballs,
Russians, men without hands, octopussies, Telly Savalas, Christopher
Walken, or heroin.
For purposes of accuracy in job placement, please answer the following
question: To what degree are you an A-hole?
(Advice: when appearing for an interview, it is suggested that
you slouch; the angle of slouch dependent upon your rank and level
Once hired, you will be supplied with a complimentary jumpsuit
and placed according to your experience and position of servitude.
If you are a woman, your name will be amended to incorporate reference
to genitalia. If you are a man, your name will be cool and have
something to do with precious materials or objects of death.
Per contractual agreement, you will be assigned your very own cadre
of koala and monkey sub-henchmen, managing an array of sub-sub henchmen
(which would most likely be comprised of an assortment of snakes,
bat-men, and a monkfish). Or, if agreed upon as a substitute, you
will be assigned a unit of special bioengineered, genetically enhanced
koala-monkeys, designed to look like monkeys, but function as koalas.
The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP) is always searching for
that skilled work force of tomorrow because, who knows, perhaps
tomorrow is just around the corner.
The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP) - Insurance
for the working class criminal
Because the world is a different place
And the bad guys cant always depend on George Lazenby to *F*
And George Lazenby has retired