Universal Oddities

August 1, 2002

The Henchmen Cooperative Project
Matching industrious henchmen with incompetent employers since 2002

No other profession has proven itself so vital throughout history, and yet, simultaneously, so overlooked and unappreciated, as that of henchman. Those dedicated masses working long, hard, time-consuming hours, almost certainly without worker or union benefits, building secret gigantic fortresses in volcanoes, secret gigantic fortresses underground, secret gigantic fortresses on the moon, and secret gigantic fortresses underwater (somehow).

Their work continuously frustrated by the likes of Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and, to a lesser extent, our man Flint. Not to mention the whole debacle of having to deal in an unregulated market swamped with embezzlement, fraud, stock inflation, and other such inevitable inconveniences necessarily arising out of such a venture employing a staff comprised entirely of criminals and murderous bastards.

But where can these henchmen go after the financial and managerial incompetence of their erstwhile employers results in a collapsing environment?

The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP) is an equal opportunity employer dedicated to placing skilled, dedicated, nonblack employees in the field of criminal enterprise and entrepreneurship. The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP) has been placing the power into the hands of henchmen since 2004.

The following are required for admittance into The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP).

If you’re a woman, you must indicate your willingness to wear the mandatory bikini uniform. Nevertheless, if you’re an ugly women, a pantsuit and standard decorative poison whip may be appropriate.

Applicants for henchmaning must also list their skills and special abilities.

If your special ability is an amusing physical deformity (including but not limited to freakish strength), it falls into category 1.

If your special ability is an article of clothing, it falls into category 2.

If any part of your body is metal or shoots flame, please make a special note of this.

Please indicate your preference of occupational vice: gold, diamonds, rubies, platinum, counterfeiting plates, microchips, thunderballs, Russians, men without hands, octopussies, Telly Savalas, Christopher Walken, or heroin.

For purposes of accuracy in job placement, please answer the following question: To what degree are you an A-hole?

(Advice: when appearing for an interview, it is suggested that you slouch; the angle of slouch dependent upon your rank and level of subordination.)

Once hired, you will be supplied with a complimentary jumpsuit and placed according to your experience and position of servitude. If you are a woman, your name will be amended to incorporate reference to genitalia. If you are a man, your name will be cool and have something to do with precious materials or objects of death.

Per contractual agreement, you will be assigned your very own cadre of koala and monkey sub-henchmen, managing an array of sub-sub henchmen (which would most likely be comprised of an assortment of snakes, bat-men, and a monkfish). Or, if agreed upon as a substitute, you will be assigned a unit of special bioengineered, genetically enhanced koala-monkeys, designed to look like monkeys, but function as koalas.

The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP) is always searching for that skilled work force of tomorrow because, who knows, perhaps tomorrow is just around the corner.

The Henchmen Cooperative Project (HCP) - Insurance for the working class criminal
Because the world is a different place
And the bad guys can’t always depend on George Lazenby to *F* things up
And George Lazenby has retired




Copyright © 2000-2002 Jacques. All rights reserved.