April 25, 2002
The Romancing of Inbal - Part
This article continues the Chronicles of Inbal series I
have been recording with regard to my various attempts to win the
heart of a young lady by the name of Inbal. You may examine the
beginnings of my quest contained in the article The
Romancing of Inbal - Part The First.
From the start, Im going to go out on a chauvinistic limb
here and explain right now that Inbal is my property, and I dont
want anyone else trying to contact her or win her over.
That said, I suppose I should continue with my account.
Inbal is even more beautiful than this
I soon realized that, for various reasons, my romantic biography,
perhaps, needed some updating to be more successful. One clue to
this fact was that the Jewish singles website kicked me off and
erased my user profile.
Perhaps it was the blatantly contradictory information. Perhaps
it was because I swiped some guys picture from somewhere else
on the site, wrote I kinda look like this, only uglier
on it, and used it as my personal image. Perhaps it was because
I placed contact information in my bio, which they informed me not
to do. Perhaps it was because I claimed to be an Iraqi nationalist.
The list goes on.
But many of these reasons dont seem applicable though. For
instance, after reviewing the picture I submitted for my profile,
the Jewish dating service actually okayed it and posted it a couple
of days later.
And the people at the Jewish dating service are the ones who listed
Iraq as a possible location for current habitation. So of course
Im going to choose it. Its inevitable human nature.
Statistically speaking, when faced with a problem set, the dumbest
solution possible is obviously going to arise 99.99% of the time.
In fact, Ive discovered that when presented with a dilemma
which requests an immediate response, the dumbest solution put forward
by the dumbest person is inevitably and infallibly the one that
fills in the gap. Regardless of any competing solutions offered,
the most idiotic solution is always waiting on hand, to trounce
past any hesitation for rational thought that may occur and offer
itself up as the only course of possible action.
And if you do currently live in Iraq, you kind of have to be an
Iraqi nationalist... or dead. But hey, if the Jewish dating
service is doing business with a country that currently has sanctions
imposed on it by the U.S. and is amassing a chemical, biological,
and nuclear arsenal that threatens global stability, then whos
really at fault here.
Perhaps Im not an Iraqi nationalist. Perhaps I just say that
because I want people to like me; and Im afraid they wont
accept me for who I really am: a moron.
In any case, the Jewish dating service chose to erase my profile.
Who knows why people respond so immaturely to the truth? I suppose
they would rather that I lie on my bio. So be it...
Or, perhaps I could just transform my very being and essence to
conform to my dating profile. That, in itself, seems far easier
to do. And more honest.
And this time, I resolved to consult with a mirror in order to
confirm the color of my eyes and hair. No more guesswork. As such,
I took it upon myself to replace my profile and reform certain information
in my bio.
Im Jacques. A 25-year-old Male, living
in Dancy Bearville, New York.
Im told that I resemble a dancing bear.
My favorite movies are: The one where that guy shot the
My favorite performers are a little dog named Wishbone who
travels through space and time by the power of his imagination.
Also, the Beatles.
My favorite books are The one where that guy died in the
plane and then everybody went insane.
I would describe myself as:
A fuzzy, dancing bear on a little red ball looking for a caring,
sensitive, humorous Jewish girl.
If I could change anything about myself, it would be this:
I would not be a bear anymore!!! I would also stop pooping on the
Im looking for someone who possesses the following traits:
DEFINITELY someone who enjoys solving mysteries, having adventures
in outer space, and getting into zany predicaments on a weekly basis.
Preferably named Inbal.
And now, to reconnect with Inbal This time, a more concerted effort.
It would be sincerity I put forth.
Hi. I write for an Internet humor site and I was thinking of
writing some articles on my misadventures with Jewish Internet
romance. I was wondering if you'd mind my using you as a character
in my articles. They would be a cataloguing of my various failed
attempts (mostly fictional) to win your heart. Also,
would you mind if I turned you into either an elf or a leprechaun
for narrative purposes?
Amazingly, still no response. Perhaps I shouldnt have pushed
for that leprechaun thing. I was greedy and my fixation with leprechauns
simply got the better of me. From then on, I agreed, I would be
more conservative in my approach.
To Be Continued...