An examination of those books lawyers keep behind them
(which arent always actually behind them, but usually
somewhere in the vicinity)
Why do lawyers keeps so many books on those shelves behind them?
What could possibly fill all of those pages? Lawyers would have
you believe that theyre in fact reference books of pertinent
value, discussing laws, past cases, rulings, and various legal issues.
In order to ascertain the true nature of these books and their content,
I conducted an extensive study of law offices in the area.
I prepared my cover story and, with it, proceeded into
a series of law firms. I was looking for someone to
represent me in a case of medical malpractice. While
I was waiting for a doctor to come and examine me, I
was suddenly attacked (accosted, molested, etc...) by a shark in
his office. After an extended battle, I was able to fight off the
shark, but not before suffering severe emotional trauma and botulism.
I explained the predicament to each lawyer until they had to go
to the bathroom, and then took the opportunity to rifle through
their personal belongings.
For the most part, the books the lawyers kept on those shelves
behind them were from the Behind Lawyers book series.
Book to Keep Behind You if Youre a Lawyer
Inside cover: An exciting book to keep behind you if youre
a lawyer. Full of pages. Clients will think you have access to pages
of information! Jeremiah Phischer of the Oakland Post Gazette
says A brilliantly thought provoking montage of genius and
How to Time Travel if Youre a Lawyer
Inside cover: The guide to traveling through space and time, Lawyers
Edition. If time travel is ever perfected, this book will prove
an invaluable resource for all manner of legal professionals. Learn
how to avoid tampering with things in the past and causing a possible
ripple in the space-time continuum.
How to Build a Robot if Youre a Lawyer
Inside cover: Finally, the ultimate, comprehensive book detailing
the process of building your own robot, if youre a lawyer.
Lawyers will have hours of fun building robots and watching them
destroy major cities.
One book had an 18th century musket slipped into a hollowed out
compartment in its pages. In one lawyers desk, the following
topics were apparently recorded on a notepad during a recent firm
meeting: pipe, Scotland, candlestick, and bread. The lawyers normally
returned from the bathroom just as I was rummaging through their
desks. I didnt want them to think I was trying to invade their
privacy, so I just told them I was looking for things to steal.
I also explained that I was an undercover judge.
In any case, look for these other exciting essays on law and the
legal system as this special series Privacy Invasions: Invasions
of Privacy continues:
-The difficulties inherent in workplace sex, noting concerns over
sexual harassment and topology balanced against peer pressure. Furniture
orientation and the juggling of workloads against deadlines to be
discussed in relation as well.
-Are law firms inherently amusing? An in-depth analysis of lawyers
which asks: who finds them amusing, why, and do the lawyers find
themselves amusing to that same extent?
-Are clowns required to be funny at all times, even if on trial
or serving on a jury? Even when theyre at home getting up
and making their breakfast? Does it depend upon the application
of makeup, or is that merely a superficial distinction to clowning?
Can a clown make an effective lawyer?
-Can a man with multiple personality disorder have one of his personalities
locked up so that it surfaces on Mondays and Wednesdays to do jail
time while the other personality is released to commit crimes during
the rest of the week because they locked up the wrong guy, but no
one will believe the innocent one because his story is so out
there? Can his other personality be stopped in any way? Philosophical
dissertation to follow.