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May 2, 2002
Attn: Lorne Michaels
Dear Saturday Night Live with Tina Fey,
It has recently come to my attention that you have not hired me
yet. Until last Thursday, I was under the distinct impression that
I was an employee of Saturday Night Live. Apparently, this
is not the case. I would appreciate it if you could explain this
mishap.
January 10, 2002, I submitted my resume for your perusal. A few
days later, I received a letter informing me that my services were
requested as a writer for Saturday Night Live. Upon a further
examination of the letter a couple of days ago, it appears to have
been a bill from Verizon. If you could explain and remedy this mix-up,
I would greatly appreciate it.
For the past few months, it seems I’ve been writing a series
of humorous skits for the accounting division of Verizon. The brainstorming
sessions were (at best) feeble, and I’ve had to compose most
of my opuses in the bathroom hallway. One question I truly hope
you can answer for me is (as you may already have guessed): how
precisely does Saturday Night Live operate in conjunction
with Verizon?
Aside from frequent appearances by Alec Baldwin, I can find little
correlation between Saturday Night Live and the accounting
division of Verizon.
All this is driving my mind in variously confused directions. As
such, I am again resubmitting my resume for consideration in the
hopes that I will be transferred to your New York offices. I feel
that I am more than qualified to write for a late night comedy show
and sniff cocaine off of mirrors.
Sincerely,
Jacques
jacques@universaloddities.com
Universal Oddities Dot Com
You’re Either With Us, or You’re With the Terrorists
RÉSUMÉ
Education
Jacques University (a private institution)
BA in Finance Reform, 1998
Made Dean’s Shit List 4 years running
GPA: 2.5; unless I lie, in which case it’s 3.4
Received doctorate of meat and meat related studies in 2001
Specialized in Shankology
Experience
2002
Employee of either Saturday Night Live or the accounting
division of Verizon.
March 7, 2002
Performed vaudevillian skit with G-d. Condemned to hell (pending
review).
February 14, 2002
Wrote Valentine’s Day letter to Tina Fey.
January 10, 2002
Applied for position of husband to Tina Fey.
November 16, 2001
Rejected by The Daily Show with John Stewart.
November 15, 2001
Applied for a job with The Daily Show with John Stewart.
November 8, 2001
Sent letter to Tina Fey.
September 27, 2001
Applied for a job with The Onion.
September 24, 2001
Rejected by The Onion.
September 20, 2001
Got young girl in Texas suspended from school for reading a depraved
article I’d written. She was later executed for reading an
article I wrote on having gotten her suspended from school. Her
body was later dug up and incinerated after I wrote an article on
having gotten her executed for having read an article I wrote on
having gotten her suspended for having read a depraved article I’d
written.
August 30, 2001
Wrote scathing article on The Onion, implying in no uncertain
terms that they were responsible for the kidnapping of the Lindbergh
baby and also for various forms of cancer. (Evidence is available
upon request)
May 3, 2001
Conducted extensive interview with Tina Fey.
1997
Employee of NASA. Helped United States beat the Russians in “space-race”
to find buried pirate treasure on moon. Also wrote various humor-related
skits on the bathroom wall.
1996
Starred in Scent of a Woman alongside Al Pacino. Overall,
I played 5 different roles in that movie.
1995
Hunted for sport on a small island in the Caribbean. While surviving
I learned numerous invaluable skills such as how to make a spear
out of a rock, how to purify urine and fecal matter, and how to
tie a knot.
June 6, 1991
Arrested by Romanian officials for peeing in a fountain.
March 14, 1990 - June 6, 1991
Ran and operated lucrative casino in Romania.
December 25, 1989 - March 14, 1990
Secretary to Romanian president Ion Iliescu. Able to type 16 words
per minute.
December 24, 1989
Secretary to Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu. Able to type
18 words per minute.
November 3-8, 1989
Drafted proposal for children’s daycare add-on to Berlin Wall.
1977-1982
Wrote for popular television show Saturday Night Live.
June 1, 1971 (5:38 AM) - June 1, 1971 (5:39 AM)
Member of the band Deep Purple.
1966
Member of the Communist party. Helped draft “The New Communist
Manifesto” introducing such new potential social reforms as
“astro-housing” for the poor, “soylent” socialism,
and the introduction of chocolate coins into the economy to help
control the rate of inflation and benefit the proletariat in numerous
other manners.
1965-1970
Member of the popular singing group the Beatles. Wrote various songs
such as “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”, “Dear Prudence”,
“Magic Bus”, “Fuck You John”, and “Touch
Me There, William”.
December 26, 1965
Killed popular Beatle Paul McCartney. Made it look like an accident.
Then made it look as if he wasn’t dead.
1964
Secretary to Cuban president General Filberto Castro.
March 15, 1963
Shot JFK. I helped plan and execute the shooting. I also have various
experience relating to framing people for murder. I also performed
data entry.
1958
Secretary to Cuban president Fulgencio Batista.
June 3, 1933
Kidnapped Lindbergh baby. Replaced Lindbergh baby with cardboard
cutout of a baby that was then kidnapped by The Onion.
1704
Wrote the play Hamlet. Harold Bloom has dubbed it “one
of the greatest plays ever written.”*
Other Skills:
I can play the ukulele
I am proficient in website design
I am vaguely proficient in ballroom dance
Further Reasons To Hire Me:
1) I like office buildings.
2) I like tables very much.
3) I don’t like talking to people, but I like talking to
people.
4) I only kill when necessary.
5) I don’t like skit comedy, but I love pencils.
References available upon request.
*My paraphrase.
Might as well kill 2 birds with one stone:
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